Your intrepid columnist made a valiant effort to watch the entire Florida Republican debate last week, but got too nauseated to watch the whole thing.

This column was filed before the results of the Florida primary were announced, so I don't know who won, Romney or Newt-ly. Newters appeared to be in the lead, but with this race, who knows.

The Republican primary has been like a demolition derby as the two main characters kick the bleep out of each other. One wonders, if this campaign were a real series of demolition derbies, what cars would each candidate drive?

Mister super-duper rich guy, Mitt Romney, he of the supposed blind trust, would of course be driving a Bentley convertible, and pay to have a traveling body shop on site to repair any dings and dents right away.

Ron Paul would be driving a Model T Ford (any color you want as long as it is black). Since Paul and his Libertarian supporters want to go back to 1900, a Model T, or maybe the ever-popular Hupmobile would be fitting.

Newt Gingrich (the Democrats' hope for winning everything), would be driving a 1957 Edsel – a goofy-looking car for a goofy candidate. An Edsel is big, like Newt; and old, like Newt.

Rick "No abortions; let the mother die" Santorum would be driving a 1972 Chevy Impala station wagon: lots of room for a growing family.

The candidates who have pulled out of the Republican would have had their own demolition derby cars, of course.

Michelle "have a tea party" Bachmann would be driving a pink Cadillac, and would only win 6 percent of the time. Being born in Iowa, I hope she would use corn ethanol to power her car to last place.

John "no longer in the hunt" Huntsman, being a Mormon, would try to have four cars entered, but still would only enter derbies in New Hampshire.

And Herman Cain, he'd be driving the "Love Van." Interesting that Cain just endorsed Newt: one cheater husband endorsing another.

In a typical Republican demolition derby, Mitt's Bentley would be crashing into Newt's Edsel and vice-versa. Pieces of car (read: the Republican Party) would be strewn all over the place, sparking and dragging along the ground. Ron Paul, driving his Model T (available only in black) would stay on the fringes, running right, of course, around the outside. And Rick's 1972 station wagon would only ride on the right side of the derby ring, as he yells out the window: "No Abortions."

In the audience, Obama and a host of Democrats would cheer lustily and loudly for every crash, every bumper pulled off, every dent.

Oh, I forgot, Sarah Palin dressed as a cheerleader – for Newt, of course. Callista, Newt's current wife and former cheater on previous wife, would be there cheering Newt on, while his ex-wives hope that the Romney Bentley convertible squishes Newt's Edsel. Then they would dump a pile of divorce papers on his head while Newt was in the hospital recovering.

Tim Pawlenty and Mitch Daniels would be thanking God that they didn't run for president –at least their cars escaped dent-free.

Yes, this is a silly bit of humor, and yes, I thought of the Republican demolition derby theme before Chris Matthews did. ("Hardball," Friday night show). But the reality is that the national GOP is self-destructing in front of us, and the show is awfully fun to watch. The GOP should contrast and compare this nonsense to the Obama-Clinton battle to see how one runs for president with class.

In the meantime, it is entertainment for us political columnists.

Norm Cohen is executive director of the Coalition for Peace and Justice and a coordinator for the UNPLUG Salem Campaign. Learn more at www.coalitionforpeaceandjustice.org and www.unplugsalem.org. He can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or (609) 335-8176. Comment at www.shorenewstoday.com.